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October 12 My Life Would Suck Without YouMany times I tell myself This is not the end of the world but I get disappointed again And over again I know everythime I am sincere With friends and people around me but Why do I get hurt so often
Time fades Everything fades My walls are closing in What is true in life again I continue to ask myself this same question I couldn't get answers from you poeple's eyes I know it's not late to turn away
I used to complain, curse and cry Fortunately, that's not all about my life Now I have to say My life does not suck Because there IS still something true Something that sees me when I am invisable Makes me feel I exist for a reason Reminds me I've still got faith in myself
That something is MUSIC My loyal friend Who is always there for me Whom I can always trust in this untrustwhorthy world
Will steeled Character polished Eyes sharpened My life would really suck without you because You bring the best in me September 25 Don 't feel like talkingI don't feel like talking these days. Just keep my mouth shut for a while. September 12 untitledThe new term begins. I am back at work again. For the past week, I've missed my former students so much. I got more than thirty text messages from my former stdents, most of whom are in college now. They told me about their life in college and all kinds of things. I wish I could be like them, young and energetic with tons of possibilities waiting.
Life is rutine for me. I need to do my job well, and that means I have to be a robot...But I manage to take some time out for my guitar class, and the hard part is that my chubby short fingers hurt so much. I have forgotten everything I learned during summer vocation...shame, huh? I practiced and practiced today till I couldn't touch the strings. Now my finger are killing me when I type. Ok....I'll stop. That's all. May 25 Me, sport?I should thank my "yard-mate" Alicia, who made me go out and and do a little sport. In fact, it all started when she asked me to teach her how to play table tennis two weeks ago. Yeah, I play table tennis, not an excellent player,though. Anyway, we went to the school palyground to practice and made some really intresting little friends from senventh grade. I have to admmit they are better players than us---a lot better, which hurts my pride to some extent.I am gonna practice more and let them know: Don't you ever sniff at me! HAHA.. It turns out that it's not bad to do a little reading after a good sweating from exercise. Come on, stop being lazy , go out and have fun! May 18 Be brave I had a good talk with one of my students this evening. First, I am happy to have been trusted. Obviously, he has some problems, I mean some serious problems about his life. He is often seen alone, always wearing that far-away and icy look on his face.He kinda has that sullen nature, which also keeps people at a distance. With the college entrance examinations approaching, his problems are getting intense. He does very well in his school work, but he is not happy. And the bad mood has been affecting his life and study lately. His maturity stuns me.He has cocooned himself up in his world. He said once he greeted one of his former classmates on the campus only to get an icy face in return. So he swore to save his words and wrapped himself up. I come to understand that he is not that indifferent but too sensitive and hurts easily. I realize that he is just like me. I had to tell him about my stories to convince him that there is still something that is worth our care and attention. Sometimes, we just tend to expect too much of poeple around us. Maybe it's only our own faults to think this way in the first place. Also sometimes we find some unbearable shortcomings in our friends,and vice versa. But that should't become the big rock in our way to find true friendship. The most important thing is when you get stumbled you can still resume your courage and carry on with your journey. There is something beautiful down the road waiting. I know sometimes, I might just be deceiving myself, but this way gives me hope. Believe me, having hope is much better! Everyday we are learning, from differnt poeple, about how to live our life. Good or bad, they all make us more mature and brave. Because they clear the vague images of things and poeple in our mind. We are finding ourselves more apdaptable. I used to complain a lot about everthing that goes out my line of the world. But now, I am silent, wacthing. You may dislike the world, yet you have to fit it somehow. So you HAVE to be accepting. It's your choice. That you are the only one who can make yourself happy or the opposite is fully sunk in now. Be brave, got it? April 15 THIS LIFE OF MINEI've never stopped trying to like this life. But I am not sure it's the life I still want in 5 or 10 years. Sometimes I just wonder whether it's all worthwhile. Escape is the best way out. I am a coward in life, always. It's definitely getting worse. There are times when I want to lock myself up, in my small world. I am scared and confused, though most of the time I am too proud to admit. I don't know what is real and what is false around me. Sometimes you just get hurt when you reveal your true self. What a shame! So I learn to hold back. I am losing myself. I am diappionted and scared and depressed. I don't know THIS ME anymore. The OLD ME is out OF date. But I like her. I miss the times when I want to cry, I just shed tears; when I feel like laughing, I just laugh my heart out. I want to fit in. To fit in this life. But I am so out of place. I don't know where this life is taking me to. What's waiting for me down this road. I keep telling myself to stay positive and motivated. To stick to what I believe in. But my memory is fading. For most of the time I'm feeding on my faith and memories. NOW... I don't like it when I have to struggle to dig for a smile and tell myself to be postive when I really want to lie down and drown myself in disappointment. I am not living the life I want. Who am I and what am I doing? IS ANYBODY OUT THERE April 14 soooooooooooo boredI just have this strong feeling now.
You know what, right now I may make a big rock star
 Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..... April 11 My DreamMy Dream
I dream of a dream.
I dream that my dream shall someday come true.
I dream that all my dreams shall not remain just a dream.
I dream for that day when all these dreams are realized.
I dream that I don’t spend my days dreaming.
I dream that my dreams shall be more than just dreams.
I dream that these dreams will make me dream more.
Though these are dreams today,
I dream of making them a reality one day.
I will always be dreaming of these dreams,
So that I do have hope in life,
I still hope that this life is worth living.
(Note:I copied it from somewhere else) I realize this is also my dream. It happens in life when we are too busy or too tired to care about our dreams, or we just simply lose sight of them. But that doesn't mean we've or we can give them up any more than we can give up on ourselves. Do not doubt ourselves. Stay motivated and stick to our faith, coz life can change what we are but not who we are. Dreams are our hope in life. If we turn our back on them, one day we are gonna find ouselves end up losing the reason to simply live. Always try to find ways back to your dreams. I wish us all a happy, meaningful and rewarding life. April 01 Happy birthdayI am still up
I am supposed to be happy
It's my birthday
But I am anything but happy
For the time elapsed
and the old same me.
Whatever...
I am gonna hold my head high
and hope for the best
Happy birthday March 18 Be strongIt's when things go wrong that you mustn't quit.
I tell myself to be strong.
To the ones I cherish and love.
My dear dear father, especially.
I am always praying for you, from this moment on.
Everything is gonna be okay.
God bless my beloved father and every member of my family.
As a whole, we can get over any difficulty and fear.
You just need a little faith.
With crossed fingers. February 01 A minor resolutionI am resovled to cut down on the time spent online. Too much time online makes me feel empty and insecure. Haha, dany may find it unfair, because I seldom have time to chat with him. Dany, my best net friend, don't miss me too much  . Spring is coming and I feel hopeful again. Winter is never my season. I am sick and tired of it. Anyway, I've decided to be more mature this year. Go, go, go! January 29 joelle's back hereThis is really a deserted land. Anyway, I will come here more this year. November 16 SheShe is a wanderer just like Wushuang, except that she is much shabbier. When she first appeared on the campus, she looked funny with her ears dyed red and tail green, but actually she is a white dog. I couldn't figure out why she was dumped because if she had been taken good care of she could've been a pretty dog. She is not aggressive as Wushuang, who always chased her the moment he saw her. I bet it's not for affection but a gesture of showing his strenghten over her. The poor little dog would run for safty whenever she saw him. She had no stake to play against anyone.
After Wushuang's gone, I still saw her a lot on the long alley to our yard. It semed she grew shabbier and shabbier day by day. She just fed on the leftovers thrown in the dump nearby. And for the next month she went completely out of my sight. I didn't realize her absence until recently. One morning I saw her again on the alley. I was taken aback to see her with a grey baby dog. It's so tiny and delicate and cute that I couldn't help crying out" Where on earth does this puppy come from?"
"The white dog" replied a neighbor pleasantly. Soon, several other people gathered around her and looked at the scene in amazement.I still couldn't believe my eyes despite the neighbor's story about how she gave birth to the baby dog.I mean last time when I saw her she was flat-stomached. Or, I didn't notice she was pregnant because she was too skinny? I looked closely and found this time she was skinner. She actually gave birth to a beautiful baby dog! They two both were lying in the warm sun. She got protective with so many poeple around, while the baby dog put its lilttle chin on the back of its mother looking curiously at us with no fear It seems she is still living around. I guess some family has taken her in. I see them occasionally on the alley when the weather is good nd the sun is warm. The baby dog can walk now and often stumbles after its mother. She is still shabby but looks very peaceful now. Life used to be hard for her, but now she's got a second sun shining on her life--her little baby, who brings a reason for her to live on hopefully and decently. November 14 A visit to Cassidy'sCassidy got married this October. And that has reduced her to my former roommate. We lived under the same roof of our shabby dormitory for two years. Today, I called at her new house for the first time since she got married.
The house is very orderly and clean. Everything is brand-new.I made a major "tour" from bedrooms to the study then the kitchen with thousands of "wow's". She's even got several green plants, which as she explained was presented by her former students.She made me supper and we talked as we ate very happily.I had a good time there.
She urged that I should try to find a boyfriend and start a family of my own.In fact, who hasn't brought that up within my friends zone and family? It's too complicated a thing for me to handle now. I am used to being single all these years and haven't been in any relationship. Not that I am an icy person but it's just because the right guy hasn't come along yet. This is about how I am going to spend the rest of my life, so I won't make any rash decisions, for I don't want to be those mismatched couples ending up broken-hearted. And it's not the only reason to hold me where I am. I am afraid I love myself too much. I don't want anybody to invade my territory and share everything of my own world.I like being myself and an independent soul. Love and marriage is about compromise and sacrifice. I don't think I am ready for either. That's why I need to take my time to grow up.
Finally, may every one who has found his or her other half have a best life and happiness November 12 My Diary Book I checked the date. It was July 6,2008---the day when I last wrote anything in my diary book. You can't call it a diary book actually, for I didn't really write things regularly.
It's a very beautiful notebook with a lovely young lady on the cover, long straight hair, oval lovely face and faded blue jeans skirt. In the distant there is a splendid catsle with small windmills on its roof. A smile on her face, the young lady is walking to the castle. I decided it would be my diary book when I first saw it in a stationer's shop. I know I am desperately romantic deep in my heart. The castle, the windmills, the stars...how could I resist it? Open it, and the first page is about how my former high school Chinese teacher discouraged me from writing by accusing me of plagiarism based on nothing and how English gave me courage and confidence to carry on through those dark frustrating times. So I choose to use English to write my blog and diary. I am not showing off anything quite apart from my having nothing to show off. I feel comfortable with English. I mean I often make mistakes grammatically and idiomatically, but I don't care. I am willing to express everthing out in English, which I find quite impossible if I use Chinese. In fact, I only confided the storyto several of my close friends. The second"article" is titled Making Reading A Larger Part of My Life, which now I realise was written in vain. There are so many distractions in my life, and the Internet is the biggest temptation. The stored words are running out. Soon I'll be a dried well if I don't read more. It's much like an alarm bell.
I wrote 10 "articles" altogether from March.28 to July,6. Then the passion faded and I put it on the shelf, forgetiing all about my writing "plan" till now. Anyway, I still have to tell myself: Don't stopping rolling. It's always the truth that if you don't move forward then you'll move backwards. I never wants to be lagged behind. I like myself being full of energy and inspiartions. Come on, Joelle!
November 08 A robotIt's funny: I only have things to say when I get emotional or unhappy. I haven't written anything for a month. It has been deserted like a wasted plot. My certain friend said I am living my life like a human robot.HUH, I've now officially become a robot. |
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